Time to run

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A1A Marathon - Nervous - Am I Weird?

Well, Sunday is closing in FAST. I am really more unsettled about this marathon than any that I can remember. In the old days I toed the starting line, well trained and confident. It didn't matter if I reached my goals or not - I was happy and I vigorously attacked each race.
Since my accident my mental state has changed. I do not have the abilities that I once had and even though I train passionately (more than ever), I just haven't regained my old fitness. I know that I should just relax, but one thing hasn't changed about me: I fight - and even though I am only competing with myself, I still fight to win. Ha! I must like beating myself up.
I don't get it. I really don't know why my running hasn't returned to levels comparable to before my traumatic brain injury. I run more miles than I ever did before - I work hard! In the big picture, it should be a small aspect of my life. Unfortunately it is not. For some unidentified reason, I have not stopped searching for Dick Dime. The person I remember and the version of me that I liked best.
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Since recovery began, I have run 4 marathons. My fastest was last year at A1A. I made big improvements over my previous post injury marathons and even though I was still 30 minutes slower than before my accident, I was happy and charged up to continue my forward progress. Since then, I haven't let up and my training has improved. However, my confidence has not returned and I swim in a swamp of doubt. I really struggle with this.
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Is this a common mental dilemma for brain injury survivors? Is it normal - I do not want to be weird? If somebody out there who has suffered a TBI or know someone who has, and happens upon this rant, please comment and give me your opinion. I don't know what is normal. Did I say, I don't want to be weird?

Run - 1:01:07 - 7.31 miles - 8:21 Pace - 126 avg hr
Got out fairly early today. Unfortunately the wind was howling and I worked harder than I wanted to because I ran into the wind for the first 4 miles. Luckily the cruise home was nice and easy.