THE HOWLER Jan 4 - 10

Welcome to my room of twisted ramblings, recovery from a traumatic brain injury, athletic training, vegan munchies, music sensations and social howls.

today 

1/10

Run - 31:09 - 4.06 miles - 7:29 per mile pace - 137 avg HR

Racing a trail 1/2 marathon tomorrow so this was a short run with some tempos thrown in.
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Not much on tap athletically today. Perhaps a quick run with short tempo bursts to get the legs firing before tomorrows trail race in Alva, River, Roots & Ruts 13.1 mile trail race. I don't know where I am at physically so this will be a good test. I certainly am not looking forward to the 2 hour car drive to Alva today. Fra, Mimi's uncle is coming and running the 5k race - he is 76 and preparing for the Vermont Half Marathon in May (which he finished last year). Fra is a kick ass old man and I really do enjoy his company. 

1/9

Run - 1:14:00 - 9.13 miles - 8:06 per mile pace - 125 avg HR

easy steady run in my new light weight sneakers (Asics Gel-exce 33). I moved up a 1/2 size to attempt to save my my feet from continued black toenails.

1/8
Run - 38:10 - 5.46 miles - 6:59 pace per mile - 149 avg heart rate

Greater Fort Lauderdale Road Runner Club group run. I went out with the fast guys. I hung with them (barely); but one of my better runs since the brain injury! I am so happy. I hope this improvement continues - I will sleep well and dream tonight.

1/7

Run - 1:00:07 - 7.83 miles - 7:40 pace per mile - 128 avg heart rate
Good run with some tempo. I never really pushed it; instead just a consistent stride.
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As a long-time fan of both Joy Division and New Order, I am very excited to have tickets to see original member of both bands, Peter Hook, perform a special tribute concert with his current band: Peter Hook and the Light. The show isn't until May, so I wait in eager anticipation.

1/6

Tempo run in town: 1:02:00 - 8.2 miles - 7.33 per mile pace - 146 avg hr

Best run since before last months groin injury. steady pace

1/5

Two solid runs before 9 am yesterday totaling 17.5 miles. The first one was an early morning street run in the dark (I need to try to do that more frequently) and the second was a trail run with hills at Vista View. 

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Then we drove to Orlando to have lunch with my estranged family. I was torn deeply about this; however it ended up being quite nice. I connected with my brother who is very cool. Don and my mother turned out to be moved - as was I - by the meeting. I was nice. But true to form I didn't sugar-coat my feelings and I did communicate related details to each of them. They both were hurt and shed tears - especially my mother. Thankfully, Mimi was there to help my her internalize the definition of my words. Really, I was as gentle as a mouse, but I probably towered like a giant rat. So it goes...

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Easy jog - 1:03:00 - 7.58 miles - 8:18 m/p mile pace - 132 Avg HR

   1/4

It is 1:24 am - and yes, I am up early again. I slept fine but I had to pee so falling asleep again is unlikely, at least immediately. And my head is spinning, complicating my effort to sleep. I need to get up and out for a run early this morning. No f-cking around. I have started the year off poorly with only one run in the first three days of 2015. It is essential to get my training going again as I aspire to ascend from the land of the brain damaged to the realm of the athlete. Also I do not have much time either, as Mimi and I are driving to Orlando today - a 3 hour drive. So most of my day will be in the car. 

I have mixed emotions. I am meeting my half-brother, Leonard (who I am excited to see) and my mother (who I do not know or respect) for lunch today. I do not want to get too personal but my childhood was a fearful time exacerbated by a tortuous stepfather (Don - Leonard's father); who was enabled by my mother, Lois (I will refer to her forward as Lois). I will not detail the horror of my childhood here. Let me just say that I cringe revisiting the memories and I will spare my readers from my the unpleasant gore. I haven't seen Leonard in over 20 years and my mother in at least that long. I know that she visited me at Craig/Swedish hospitals in Inglewood, CO - but I was in a coma so I guess that I didn't mind. Lois began calling me early in my recovery once I was awake and became aware. Conversation was difficult at best and my discomfort was palpable so I stopped taking her phone calls. Yes, I am a cold bastard for sure.

As I said, My brother will be there and this pleases me. I probably wouldn't be having this meeting otherwise. Also my daughter, Nico, is the facilitator of this dance. My daughter is in contact with my mother and she thinks the little old lady is 'cute' and arranged this entire thing. For Nico, I will endure. On one hand, Lois is getting older and it is cruel of me to entirely cut her out of my life. On the other hand, I haven't resolved my anger, resentment and unlike of her. So I will go and eat pizza and drink a beer or two with Leonard, Lois and Mimi (Thank Santa Mimi is coming along too), and be pleasant-like. With Mimi in tow, I will guard my words and smother the bitter with honey. I will be nice.

Did I mention that I need to get out the door and get my run on? It is the dark of night here in SoFla although I do have a headlamp. Maybe I will get going early this morning - I have some thinking to do. One thing for sure, when I am running I think more clearly than I typically do. Okay, I shall rise and do this. This rant will go to rest for now, check back later for an update (or not). Peace and love, Dick Dime

- It is 3:24 am now - and yes I ran in the early morning dark. It was quite nice, actually. I may start doing that more often.
- Run - 1:07:00  - 8.21 miles - 8:09 per mile pace - 133 avg HR
- Run 2 - 1:30:00 - 9.38 miles - 9:36 per mile pace - 136 avg Hr
It feels good to get in 2 runs (17.45 miles) before 9:15 

THE HOWLER DEC 28 - JAN 3

Welcome to my room of twisted ramblings, recovery from a traumatic brain injury, athletic training, vegan munchies, music sensations and social howls.

today 

1/3
I wake up early. I usually wake up by 4am and today is no different. I do not know if it is because of my traumatic brain injury or not. It is hard to tell because before my accident I managed a bar and didn't leave until 3:30 in the morning. I slept until 8 or 9 in the morning - like a rock. I rarely woke up before 8am (sometimes an hour or two later). Now, I tend to go to bed early - by 9pm or so; and by 3am I am restless. It is frustrating. So here I am, on my blog typing gibberish, haunting my favorite social networks, etc. This is what I do.  
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Well, I just don't feel right. Another day off. I'm not one to rest a lot, but I'm trying to train smarter than how I typically do. I thought I should force a run; even a shorty, but I know me... once I start, it is on. So, instead I will rest up and see if I am up to snuff tomorrow.


1/2

Run - 1:07:00 - 8.36 miles - 8:00 p/m pace - 135 avg HR

1st run of the year; steady pace

1/1

I am at war
I am looking back a lot lately. The past few years have been an amazing journey as I learn and adapt to living as a challenged traumatic brain injury survivor. Every single day I am tested - both physically and mentally. The seemingly most simple tasks, are complicated. Sometimes I manage a 'work-a-round' until a solution is found. Other times I get into deeper trouble. Sometimes I get lost, sometimes I get hurt - but always I move forward. I am resilient to say the least. I am determined to find the man that I remember (and was). I work extremely hard trying to regain lost physical and mental abilities, and despite constant disappointments, I do not surrender. I am literally at war and I am determined to win. As most of you know, running is important to me. Pre TBI I enjoyed athletic success. Post TBI I again enjoy athletic success. Perhaps the scale has changed, reluctantly, I acknowledge this - but reluctantly is generous. I guess the honest truth is I do not acknowledge 'the new me', I battle the new me. I do not want to grade my performances on a scale. As aforementioned, I am at war and it rages.
Did I say that I am looking forward a lot lately? Well, I am and the future glows. I am winning. I have a team and together anything is possible. With that, thanks for listening, understanding and tolerating this boast. Over the past 3 years I have logged 6700 miles of running. I am proud of this and I never ran that much in my faster life. I will try, but most likely I will never be as fast as I was. Not only do I live with a traumatic brain injury, I am 5 months shy of the big 50.
Forward, March!

12/31
Be safe out there tonight.
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Run - 1:48:00 - 12.91 miles - 1:48:00 - 8:21 per mile pace - 137 avg hr
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I ran a little further today; just enough to log my 2600th mile running for the year. A new record. On the 31st of December last year I ran my 2000th mile. At the time the most I had ever logged in a year (even before my accident). In spite of logging over 7500 miles over the past 3 years, I am still not even close to the runner that I had been before. Yeah, it doesn't matter. As much as I long for the guy I remember, I am pretty stoked about my consistency and dedication. I will keep at it.

12/30
I just don't have any motivation... I have been laying in bed with the puppy for hours. I guess my run is going to not happen today.

12/29
Run - 1:08:00 - 7.7 miles - 7:49 per mile pace - 130 avg hr
A very sluggish jog. I just felt off today.

12/28

Run - 50:00 - 6.27 miles - 7.58 per mile pace - 142 avg hr
I was a little tired and I only had time for a shortish run before football Sunday. Hot today.

12/29

THE HOWLER - DEC 21-27

Welcome to my room of twisted ramblings, recovery from a traumatic brain injury, athletic training, vegan munchies, music sensations and social howls.

The obvious and and less obvious is that this will be my final howl of 2014. A lot of super-dooper shit has happened this year and turbo-charging me as I prepare to dance my way into my 50th year on earth. There I said it. On May, 14 I will be 50 motherf#cking years old. That is so awesome! I didn’t take the shortest route getting this far and it shows (I look like a distinguished onion head). Still, I am a lucky old man, and that is all I have to say about that.

I had a great year and I spent it with my sexy blonde - holy shit -I guess that alone makes my year perfect!

Athletically it was up and down. Again, I did not finish the Leadville 100 trail run. But I did finish The Keys 50 Mile race coming in 16th overall and first in my age group. I also logged 2600 miles of running (a personal record). My running speed really took a fall since my traumatic brain injury, but I continue to get faster and have designs upon finding more of it in the new year.

My baby Nico Berlin and her love Emmanuel, have made me a grandfather (now I need to buy the Grampy For Dummies book on Amazon) - and yes, I will read it. Margaux Juniper will have a jolly gramps!

So hell yeah, it was an awesome year and tomorrow is on fire. Cheers to 2015!

12/27

Run - 1:04:06 - 8.21 miles - 7:48 per mile pace - avg HR 138

Good run, I need to be careful as I feel something weird in my right foot (on top)

12/26
Run - 53:42 - 7.21 miles - 7:26 per mile pace
hard rain - some tempo 

12/25

Merry Christmas!

12/24 Christmas Eve

Goodness - Spirit of Christmas

I do not believe in ghosts, gods or religion. I am a certain atheist. This however, does not block my vision to or the feeling of the spirit of Christmas. It is undeniable that during the holiday season, people change. On my jaded side I find it easy to vocalize about the ugly - its inherent capitalistic foundation. Further, I am not even convinced that Jesus was an actual living person - at least not as he is interpreted and presented today.

This rant however, will not be about that. Instead, I would rather discuss the absolute beauty of the season; which is found among most Americans regardless of their position (god-loving, secular or otherwise). Just last night I was witness to an unlikely gesture; a legal bill forgiven by an attorney. He did not have to do this - he was allowing small payments to be periodically made (super nice already); but yesterday, in the spirit of Christmas, he granted absolute relief. Wow!

I have not been searching for the Ghost of Christmas Past. No, I was simply a bystander lucky enough to take notice. Now, it is fair to say that kind actions of goodness probably happen myriad times daily and are we just too busy to see? Perhaps. But the truth is, charitable, generous and selfless events like the aforementioned are noticeably increased leading up to and on Christmas. Christians tend to shout-out how ‘blessed’ they are when luck finds them (and I cringe).  I prefer to simply state that I am grateful. Regardless, the tone is the same. [Note - in spite of my attempt to be partial, I cannot. I hear my internal religious critique howling.]

Pause…

Ah, okay I feel better. Across the nation people are gathering with family and friends. They share food, drinks and gifts. For most, it is the happiest time of year. The grand finale and the exciting send-off to the new years calendar.

I want to stop now, and just say, Merry Christmas. I could and I should - but that would leave this rant pointless. I suppose that  I am questioning and judging myself. A  timid attempt to find direction and conclusion to these torn feelings. My emotions are especially pointed during the Christmas season. Does it even matter from where people gather hope, strength and purpose? Of course not! Ultimately the source of goodness is not superficial. Goodness is real. And remarkably, even for this non-believing heathen, the source is irrelevant. Goodness.

Undoubtedly, the fundamental importance of Christmas is not about who is right or who is wrong. It is not about science vs mythological beliefs [snap, I did it again - sorry, I can not be objective]. It is about goodness. People helping and loving, generations engaging, rich and poor toasting, all races embracing, scholastic allocation and ultimately for all, universal equality. Yeah, giving is good.

I like the idea of giving. The spirit is good. To me at least, that has always been the holidays basis. The Spirit of Christmas is Goodness. Yes, giving is what the spirit of Christmas is all about.
                                              - Happy Holidays, Dick Dime

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Run - 1:04:05 - 6.21 miles - 8:53 p/m pace - 132 avg hr
Hot and humid - that was bad enough - but the wind was worse. I felt like I was working hard and going nowhere. I'm glad that I got something in, regardless.

12/23

Run - 1:21:00 - 10.17 miles - 7:58 p/m pace - 143 avg hr

First 10k was pretty swift <43:00; then an easy jog the rest of the way

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12/22
No run - rest day
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Just a reminder from a lost genius. Sometimes I get so angry because as a society we forget the cost/loss of endless conflict. America has blood-stained hands (as do so many nations). We can rise above. We must rise above.

12/21

Christmas week in SoFla! As I write, with only a few days left, no shopping completed. I will try to accomplish this trying task today/tomorrow (and sorry Nico - if I am late); I never was the holiday type. It continues as such.

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And the BIG NEWS: As I posted here last month, I am a grandfather now.Who would have thunk? Nico Berlin and Emmanuel presented the world with the super-fabulous-extra beautimous, Margaux Juniper!

I cannot wait to get back to Denver early in 2015 to see my people - it has been far too long!

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My training seems to be back on track after a scare due to an overuse injury; which cased a complete stoppage in training. Last week started slow with physical limitations - I became stronger towards the end of the week leaving me enthusiastic about 2015. I shall start ling up some races now. I do not plan to run ultras as my focus (like last year). However I may run one or two 50 mile and/or 50k races. My goal will be to find the old pre-tbi speed (which is slowly starting to show signs of itself - growing old has its downside, you know?

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Run - 1:00:56 - 7.31 miles - 8:20 p/m pace - 144 avg hr

easy recovery jog but I felt sluggish today - more so than I should have 

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good-will to all

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." - Albert Einstein

Indeed!

Wrap #10

Welcome to my room of twisted ramblings, recovery from a traumatic brain injury, athletic training, vegan munchies, music sensations and social howls.

Today

12/20

Run - 1:02:30 - 7:39 p/m pace - avg hr 151

best run since the comeback from my over-use injury. I think rest is better than I generally give it credit for.

12/19

Run - 1:01:00 - 7.77 miles - 7:51 p/m pace - avg hr 140
good strong effort; no pain today

12/18

Run - 1:22 - 9.15 miles - 8:57 per mile pace - avg hr 122

The positive is I have run 4 days in a row since my injury related break. The negative is I had no juice at all.

12/17
Run - 1:01:00 - 7:55 per mile pace - HR 135
No pain!

12/16
Well The Black Keys were BIG last night! An incredible presentation at the BB&T center in Sunrise for this little Ohio band.
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Run - 1:09:00 - 8.29 mile - 8:20 pace - HR 135
I am happy to run two days in a row with less pain and at a slightly better pace. Yeah!

12/15
Run - 1:01:01 - 7.18 miles - 8:30 per mile pace - HR 126
Well, I am happy to run pain free... the week of mostly rest has helped. Now I need to return slowly and not re-injure myself. First two miles were just under 9:00 per mile pace and then by miles 5 and 6 I was in the low 8's; so I feel good about today. This injury scared me as I had put in 3 solid weeks leading up and ran nearly 300 miles in November.

It should be a great night.

12/14
Football Sunday another day to rest the leg. I will try again to run tomorrow morning. NBR: 4 Beers
12/13

Run - the endless rest continues - I shall try again tomorrow.

12/12
R E S T
NBR: 3 Beers

12/11
Run/Jog - 40:13 - 4.16 miles - 120 HR
I was going to take another day off but I manned up and followed Mimi and Irma to the store club run. Still very sore but followed the girls at the Runners Depot. Very slow jog, but I made it farther than any attempt since this injury began.
NBR: 4 Beers .5 btl of wine

12/10
Another full day of rest... played with the puppy a lot. I may be pushing the muscle pull too much. Rest is difficult.

12/9
Well, we are getting a new family member today... I will post a pic later!
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I tried to run again today. I ran the first mile in about 8 mins (so a big improvement as last time I was walking at .25 miles); unfortunately I was reduced to a walk again - I started walking around 1.4 miles to home.
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He is not home yet,  but he is commuting now. Name unknown, but I like Potato - time will tell - it is Noah's dog. I can't wait to meet him!

12/8
I don't know... I am not lazy; at least I don't think so. I am just gun-shy after my last failed attempt at running. I am afraid to hurt myself further. Still, I feel like a pussy for not training again today. It is so weird since I do not have general pain, but my last two runs ended up walks. I want to try to run again - patience. 
12/7
I'm a little bummed out right now... My running was on an upswing; volume and speed both increasing. Then last week, I tweaked my groin/leg and my training came to a halt. I didn't think it was serious but yesterday I was walking after just a quarter-mile of running. Today I bagged my ride even though I could have rode pain-free. I don't know if I am being smart or lazy. Hopefully my mojo stays calm and my rest days are short and I resume full running soon. Ever since my TBI, athletics have come back; but only in very small allotments. It was never this hard before the accident. I guess I underestimated the whole-body effects of a traumatic brain injury. A TBI definitely is mentally debilitating but let me say, the physical change is enormous as well. I will endure.
NBR: 6 Beers (Football Sunday)

A word from Santa (the naughty-list is growing); but there is a way to avoid it.